Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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