We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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