i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
