So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
