We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious