i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
I love us.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me