his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are