Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out