Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
