Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
