worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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