on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
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Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
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I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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