I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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