So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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