i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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