I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Your cock deserves a montage
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
