I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
