i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
