He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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