I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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