so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
