imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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