my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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