How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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