i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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