Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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