I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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