Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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