I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
