i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
