Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
