If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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