The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
