I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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