if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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