I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"