I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
