dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
