did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
