Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
