My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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