I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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