he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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