she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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