you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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