i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
