she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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