I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Randomize
