a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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