Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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