The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
