i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
