just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
