We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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