So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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