reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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