I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
