I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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