I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
