Pants 0. Shit 1.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
