Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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